Parce que.

...and a heart of glass.

It's 14 minutes past two, I should be asleep but the caffeine is keeping me awake. And I'm worried because I don't know if the hours I put in will translate into better grades. I don't know if it's good enough for an A. I don't know if I can finally overcome this gargantuan hurdle that always seems to be in my way. But if I never try, I'll never know. I don't know what the limit is but I sure as hell am pushing it. I just wish I knew I could tell when it'll be enough. But certainty is a luxury not many of us can afford and I - for one - certainly can not. Not yet, anyway.

From the past few days no thanks to last minute studying, I found out that three hours of sleep isn't enough for one person but boy, if we spent all our sleeping time studying everyone would be smarter than Einstein and Hawking combined. There are so many more things to do in the dead of the night, so much time, when it's so quiet, so serene and so peaceful; it's so much easier to study at ungodly hours but then again, I'm pretty nocturnal. Circadian rhythm tuned to be active at night I suppose, heh.

My everyday soundtrack? War of my life.

An apt song for the people reading this, below is from John Mayer's song from his latest album, Battle Studies. Every single track from the album is pretty enjoyable for me. He's got his own sense of style and rhythm and tune. It's not generic, it's authentic. Not many artists out there can do something like that and still stay true to their roots. And the lyrics... are priceless. Just phenomenal. This song struck a chord(pun intended) with me the minute I heard it. It's a good song. Anyone who thinks otherwise is... tone-deaf and not musically talented.

I kid, I kid. But even if you don't like listening to these kind of songs you should really have a listen to this one, it's in some ways... sentimental (?) and fits the situation most of us are in right now but I guess it suits me more (of course to each his own) because everyday feels like a battle right now and there is no way out, no middle ground, no place to run, no place to stop, to rest, to seek comfort and refuge. Either push on and work hard, suffer momentarily or fall and lose and regret. It's also about knowing what decisions to make and being wise, I guess. Okay enough talk, I need some sleep.

War of My Life - John Mayer

...is there room for one more son?

Time to destress while I still can!! It's still a long way before I finally get to the light at the end of the tunnel but so far, so good :)

Yesterday I finally got my school mag, Excelsior 2009. Ah, I feel quite proud eheh. I guess this is like my first significant achievement so cut me some slack aight. I know it's not perfect, plenty of typos and errors especially at the sports section but still, I'm a happy man for now. I mean how many people do you know can say they've produced and printed a successful magazine at the tender of age of 17? Granted it's JUST a school magazine but hohoho you should ask how Anna Wintour started out too. Not that I want to follow her steps... (or do I?) but you get the picture.

Speaking of pictures, I've got one for y'all which does me no good but has piqued my general interest after being told about it HEH. Not for the faint of heart:

YESH I KNOW!! SLANDER!! OMG!! *insert aggrieved smiley here*

/sarcasm

People, people (I'm sure the ones involved are reading this now teehee).
Make love, not war!!
Ok yah I sure as hell got a bit offended at first which is only normal but thank God, common sense prevailed otherwise I would have launched another tirade on him. Like the last time, ugh.

But then it's still slander and defamation, and I would like to exercise my God given right to defend myself from the accusations hurled at me. Hoho and I can't comment there because I didn't add him, wanted to but he declined XD But I still found out about this whole scandal hehe.

OK HERE GOES:

I am responsible. But I am not perfect.

It's easy to spread lies when the person in question is not there to comment. Talk big? Me? I have kept most of my views to myself including the ones where I did not want you to become my patrol second, but Hao Fang became the PS for Aik Lam's patrol so I accepted you into my patrol for the sake of the group. And because, I think, no one else wanted nor could work with you. Pardon my bluntness but that is my opinion of which I am entitled to as you have done the same with yours by voicing it out through your comments.

I already left because of the previous confrontation and then you became the Secretary, so you were in-charge of this picture and not me. Stop complaining about your responsibilities.

I don't really know how the election of Patrol Leaders took place but I know that I was and still am capable of leading my team of boys had I been given a more cooperative partner like the previous Patrol Second I had before you. He was so much better than you will EVER be that I will not have minded if I had to work under him.

Speaking of working for people, what we had a major lack of communication. You always wanted to do things your way and if I did not let you, a quarrel will ensue undoubtedly. Our patrol members will be my witness should you not agree with this statement. So it was either your way or the desecration of the patrol. I, for one, do not believe that the egos of two people should affect the experience and learning of those under them. And so, you had your way with everything and when I say everything I do mean EVERYTHING. Ask anyone else.

If you deserved to hold it, why didn't anyone support you? Perception and reality are two totally different things - that's something I've learned from my experience. To paraphrase the ingenuity of Thom Yorke's lyrical prowess: Just because you feel it, doesn't mean it's there. It is only your loss if my words do not translate into understanding for you. And thus I whole-heartedly agree with Aik Lam's words; in verbatim: "Such a fking[sic] disgrace...." "You deserved[sic] as a PL - total bullshit". And then there's the Command and Conquer referrence by Alvin! :D

Actually since all scouts are um, brothers (LOL THE IRONY HAHAHA) like in a brotherhood and we have that 10 scout laws we learned by heart - not forgetting the Freedom of Speech which is one of our basic human rights - , everyone is and will always be entitled to their opinions as long as it does not incite you know the usual stuff like racial discrimination, religion (US-excluded I think, First Amendment lol) and whatnot. So there, FREEDOM OF SPEECH FTW BABEH. So you can't just ask people to STFU. Actually you can, but they're still entitled to their opinions heh.

That 'donkey job' is your responsibility, HELLO!! I was long gone when the picture was taken. And there will be no teamwork if one fellow wants to do everything byself. Take a hint brotha. At this point, everything started getting fuzzy and I'm not sure what Alvin meant. Dry humour? Maybe.

It was actually resolved a loooooooooooooooong time ago, or so I thought and then this came up. Sigh, never mind. This puts my thinking skills to good use, improves my vocabulary, trains my train of thought (haha pardon the pun), hones my writing and prepares me for my coming exams. Ah shit in 2 months time colour is spelled color, oedema is edema, aerial is antenna, football is soccer, full stop is ~~menstruation~~ period, garden is yard, holiday is vacation, tap is faucet and fail is phail. Kidding about the last one. Darn I need a How-to book on getting a score of 2400 XD Actually just aiming for at least 2000 but hey I'm gonna work for a score around the 2200-2300 region, if possible :( More stress eheh. Why wasn't I born a genius?! LOL

And yep, Boey did more work than I did. Sadly, scouting was not one of my main priorities because I had to be actively involved in more than four affiliations (not to mention my studies too) whereas if I'm not mistaken you were only involved with the IT Brigade and mind you, I was not just a member in those organizations. Don't take this the wrong way, this is not a personal attack against the positions you hold in the school. All I am saying is I have more responsibilites than you ever did and to quote the Scrubs theme song: I'm no Superman!

I had a reputation to uphold and ultimately neglected the group. But you cannot say I did not try to hold my patrol together. You cannot say I did not do my part for the patrol. You cannot say I did not try to work things out with you because you very well know how phucking hard I tried to do. How many phucking times I tried and failed and how many phucking times it turned sour but try I did. And that is one thing you cannot take away from me. I'm not a quitter. I don't give up so easily. But in the end, it was to no avail. You were unrelenting and I was not about to let you have my post just like that.

You wanted to be the Patrol Leader all the time, always haranguing about, bugging me about it and now you got what you wanted even without the support of the other Court of Honour members. But hey, whatever makes you happy. I just don't know how you live with that moral conscience within you. Maybe it is true that some people just don't have one. Maybe you reason with yourself and think you're right but what I really think is that what Mr Yorke said was right. It takes two to tango. Obviously not in the love connotation that this idiom is so oftenly perceived as but rather that some things cannot be done singly.

Now that that's off my chest, I feel kinda bad heh. Maybe he's just a having hard time coping with his flaws and wanting approval, tell-tale signs of lack of compassion/love at a young age perhaps (yah I study human behaviour, am a part-time psychologist and charge by the minute. Sue me :P) Time to wash myself off of this mess and get back to work!

My attempts to reconnect have been declined by him and he refuses to allow me to participate in his wall comments so I sent him a last and final piece of advice, most likely the type of closure that will allow me to not talk to him for the rest of my life and feel good about it MUAHAHA eh at least I was composed, kind and gave him some good advice. Read on if you want to. It's a little bit cheeky of me especially at the signing off part haha. But I'm cool like that :P And after all most of the F5s are born in the year of ze Monkey, no? LMAO. I was also training to write good essays too and I just couldn't resist doing one when a chance like that came up. Following are the exact words of the message.

Him: WHAT U WANT? I wont add u.bye~

Me: Ah I dont mind. I dont want you to anyway. Your comments btw, all of which I have read, were uncalled for. Apparently you still have that bitterness in you when I, on the contrary, had thought we'd resolve our conflicts. Apparently not. But anyway, I don't think it's worth resolving anymore and from the looks of it, you don't seem to want another reconciliation either nor do we have the time for it. Fine by me.

This might be long; read or delete. Your call.

If you do continue reading Jin Wern, I wish you the best of luck in life because let's be frank, at this rate you're gonna need it more than I will. I thank you for the lesson that I would never have gotten without these 'personal politics'. And for that I thank you. Please do not bother replying. I don't want you to waste your time, SPM's still going on after all. You could use that time for studying. Oh and good luck for that too. You might need it heh.

This will be my last and final conversation with you; it's been a real journey, Jin Wern.
All I really can say, is THNKS FR TH MMRS. The road's been long and rocky but at the end of the day the journey is the destination. Question is have you reached yours?

No wait, don't answer that. Just... think about it.

Also, I just wanted to let you know that as I was flipping through the final drafts of the school magazine before it was sent for printing, I went through every single detail and especially more so for the clubs & societies I was affiliated with (naturally) and I saw the obvious changes you made which I could have simply reverted back to the original as the editor-in-chief of Excelsior 2009. But I didn't. Why? Think about that too. What if I did?

Hoho food for thought! I hope you're happy now that you're name's so high up there. I, for one, have had enough posts for one person and had my fair share of experience. So believe me when I say it doesn't really bother me at all what you've done (although at first it did irk me to some degree when I first found out) and if by any small chance you have an ounce of guilt left in you from what you've done (which I -no offence- doubt you do but in any case you still might), set it free. I'm not one to keep grudges. Not this time anyway. Hell don't take it the wrong way too, I'm not saying you're a megalomaniac but I'm sure each and everyone of us wants a slice of the cake. Figuratively speaking, of course.

I really hope you understand the full extent of this message but then again, hope is all I can do. In simpler terms, you should learn to live life without all this hate in you, I should know; I'm one to talk: been there, done that. Don't be bitter. It's like the worst thing you can do. One last word of advice: the proof of the pudding's in the eating. You should know what I'm implying here. Thanks for reading this far.

Jin Wern, you may not like it, you might not admit it, you may hate it, you may loathe it, you may even despise it to the core of your bones but deep down inside, you know I will always be

Your Patrol Leader,
Kar Wee.

--

Yer, why I so -as the Chinese say- 'wu liao' one ah? Haha XD
If someone could so kindly post my comments on my behalf onto his wall or direct him to my blog... (nudge nudge AIK LAM :D) I would really appreciate it. But don't feel obliged to lah. It doesn't really matter if he doesn't read all this. Hell, it might be even better if he doesn't read this at all... O_O

....Ah. Hmm. As much as I love debating, having heated discussions and whatnot, this sort of 'personal politics' is definitely not my cup of tea. Lets leave the politics to the politicians shall we?

A bientot!

(I just realized I'm pretty darn verbose. And too wordy D:)
But ze pen is mightier than the sword!! :P